CRAIG BROWN imagines next year's news today

JANUARY 2017

President Trump announces the appointment of the next United States Ambassador to the UK. Mr Freddy Krueger, veteran star of the Nightmare On Elm Street series, will take up the position in July.

‘Freddy’s a great guy, with beautiful communications skills,’ tweets the President. ‘And, what’s more, he’ll be bringing his own cutlery.’

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling announces what he describes as ‘an exciting new development’ in the HS2 scheme. In response to forecasts of leaves on the track, disruption caused by poor weather, and circumstances beyond their control, the government is to spend £25 billion on a major new HS2 Bus Replacement Service, stopping at up to 163 towns and villages along the way.

By January 2017 President Trump will announce the appointment of the next United States Ambassador to the UK as Mr Freddy Krueger,…

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